I recently had a small health scare. Two days ago, I was admitted into the ER with somewhat severe lower abdominal pain originating from what I felt was my uterine area. I was given IV fluids, a CT scan and had a pelvic exam. I am happy to report that all of my blood work, urinary analysis and CT came out normal. I am still waiting for the results of a pelvic culture swab which means there really is no indication of infection yet. Unfortunately, the ER doctor did not consider it necessary to have any sort of definitive proof before diagnosing me with, "Acute Pelvic Inflammatory Disease," on my discharge paperwork. At the time it was 6 in the morning, I had been up all night and I just wanted sleep. Upon awakening, I decided to look into this disease that I (apparently) have now, and what I found was legitimately frightening;
"Prompt and appropriate treatment can help prevent complications of PID,
including permanent damage to the female reproductive
organs. Infection-causing bacteria can silently invade the
fallopian tubes,
causing normal tissue to turn into scar tissue. This scar
tissue blocks or
interrupts the normal movement of eggs into the uterus. If
the fallopian
tubes are totally blocked by scar tissue, sperm cannot
fertilize an egg,
and the woman becomes infertile. Infertility also can
occur if the fallopian
tubes are partially blocked or even slightly damaged. Up
to 10-15% of women with PID may become infertile, and if a woman has
multiple episodes of PID,
her chances of becoming infertile increase."
-CDC website
The thing that made this particularly horrifying is that my husband and I are, currently, beginning to try to conceive. From what I saw of myself up until this point is that I am a normal, healthy 24 year old woman with a regular cycle, and have had no previous concerns as to my ability to carry a child. Needless to say, I immediately went into fear mode which resulted in me becoming angry with this doctor who, in my mind, had the audacity to label me with this disease without any definitive proof. I called my best friend and step mother to share my thoughts on the matter. I put on a brave face saying that the doctor was probably a quack, and assuring myself and them that I was pretty sure that nothing like that was wrong with me. I spent the rest of the day grocery shopping and making dinner. As the evening approached, my demeanor began to change a bit. I say, "a bit," conservatively as what I had was more along the lines of an emotional breakdown. I became sad and extremely resentful. I told my husband that the next time a woman had the nerve to complain of pregnancy symptoms or the behavior of their children, I would personally drop kick them. I sat on my couch silently sobbing for the better part of an hour and followed it up with a depression nap. I then proceeded to get fairly drunk and fell asleep.
I woke up late the next morning, moved to the couch and fell back to sleep until the late afternoon. At some point, I realized that it would probably be a good idea for myself and those around me if I went and washed the vodka stink off of myself. As I stood there naked in front of my bathroom mirror it hit me;
I don't feel like a woman anymore.
I had always felt so empowered and proud of my femininity. I took pride in my body's perceived ability to bring life into this world and sustain it. I had appreciated every curve of my form as I KNEW that this was the shape of a being that could do the most remarkable thing. Now....... I saw something potentially broken. Something that was built to perform a task, and failed to do so without a warranty.
I blow dried my hair, put on some make up and began to dress. I stood in the bedroom mirror adjusting my scarf and slipping bangles onto my wrists when I felt two large hands wrap themselves around my waist from behind. I looked up and saw my husband peering over my shoulder. Our eyes met. "You are so beautiful," he said with a grin. "Thanks," I replied weakly. I looked back at myself and saw a completely different picture. "I'm really smart too," I added looking at him. "God, you are so smart. If there were ever anyone who I know could really change the world, it would be you," said he.
At that moment, I really liked me. I saw me for what I was. What I am is an attractive, healthy 24 year old woman with a lively imagination, compassionate heart, what I would consider, "enlightened principles," and a tendency to wholeheartedly stand up for what I believe in and express myself extremely well. I realized, then, that as amazing as bringing new life into the world is, that happens all the time. Millions of children go uncared for in this world, and all of the sudden it felt selfish of me to only want a miniature version of myself, when there is a world of work to do. I still have the capacity for all of the things a mother can be, just possibly without the need to add another mouth to feed in this world of hunger and struggle. I want to leave something behind when I am gone, and maybe it won't be genetically which as we know is finite. An exchange of ideas, a new concept, a new way of thinking, or a positive societal shift as a whole? That can be limitless. I FEEL LIMITLESS.
I am supposed to get a call from the doctor today about my final lab results which will determine whether or not I actually have a problem. If I don't, that is wonderful. If I do... I will get some medicine and treat it. If it leads to me having fertility issues... I'll deal. I do want to make one thing absolutely clear, I think having children is amazing, and all of my mommy friends are wonderful mothers. I just mean to say that, for me, if it turns out that my personal path does not involve having my own, I know now that I'm not broken. I'm just a different model.
